Suddenly Develop a Case of the Latest Animal-Related Flu
It’s not exactly the most imaginative excuse, but it’s a classic one, for a reason. All those years spent pretending to be sick so you could skip school and stay home are about to pay off. All right, maybe avoid something contagious as your excuse, but a simple wince or two and you’re free to slip out with your “headache” and no one’s left feeling hurt or insulted. Just make sure that your excuse for missing the rest of the night, sounds real.
You Certainly Have a Phone in Your Pocket—Use It
The miracle of instant communication, GPS, constant access to a camera, and the entire culmination of humanity’s knowledge that is the internet: that’s all great. But let’s be honest, the main purpose of cell phones is to pretend to text when you are away from the public and fake an emergency call. Don’t act stupid about it. Turn the ringer off so that your whole story doesn’t fall apparent before the beginning. If you’re going to stay within sight of others, ensure no vibration, rings or alerts will interrupt your Oscar-winning one-sided conversation. Or you may even arrange for a friend to call you at that time. If you’re enjoying yourself, you can stay. If not, you have your escape. (Just show it as realistic as you can.)
Ask Where the Bathroom Is
As your host leads the way, keep your eyes sharp, for routes to back entrances or empty rooms you can sneak into. If there’s no second exit out of everyone’s sight, there’s bound to be a window in a room. In the worst scenario, join the ranks of countless awkward people sneaking out through a bathroom window. Just remember to stay inconspicuous as you make your way to freedom.
Start a Fire in the Kitchen and Then Leave While Everyone is Panicking
You’re the one who wanted to leave. We’re just trying to help. Unless you’d rather stay behind and listen to some guy your friend ‘knows from a forum online’ tell you another little-known fact about collecting model trains, grab a lighter and stop being a wimp. Remember: curtains burn best.
Use Your Big Kid Words and Say Goodbye
Chances are, you’re friends with at least one person at the party, or maybe the whole gang. There’s a reason you were invited in the first place. So take a breath, grow some genitals and find the appropriate person (or persons). Commence shoving air past your vocal chords, flap your tongue and jaw, and just say something like an adult. Of course, they might try to get you to stay, so stand your ground. Eventually the required social rituals involved in saying goodbye at a party will be completed and you’ll be free to leave to spend the night watching cat videos and eating frozen pizza in your underwear like a grownup.